That is Where our Strength Lies

October 5, 2023

Love is knowing that no matter what, you will still be accepted. 

Throughout my years of being coached, I have encountered a recurring fear: the fear of abandonment. This fear has led me to constantly adjust my behavior and thoughts in an effort to minimize the possibility of being rejected. I often find myself asking, "What can I do to ensure that this person, this team, this group, or this company does not reject me?"

Why?

I thought it was just me. But in humanity's early years, we relied on the acceptance of our families, our groups, and our communities for survival. We needed others to ensure we had food and that we did not get eaten. There also wasn't an easy way to find another group if you felt like an outcast from the one you were in. Therefore, fitting in was a primal skill. And, although today it is easier to survive without a close community and it is easier to find people who will accept you if you are an outcast in your current community, over the 300,000 years or so that we have been on earth, we learned this skill and haven't unlearned it yet.

I believe this is my mind again; focusing me on something it has learned will harm me. So, thank you, mind, I appreciate your advice, and now I want to move on. In What did I Lose? I wrote about the mask I used at work. I have other masks that help me fit in wherever I go. The ones I used were accepted by the groups I was around. I've been on a lifelong journey to keep getting better and to be accepted and loved. Although the journey is admirable, the goal is wrong. 

When I wrote about my confidence problem, I was unknowingly writing about this fear. I was afraid to piss anyone off around me in fear that they would reject me. Even if that meant someone I didn't know at a volleyball game. I also wrote about how I can change and still survive. I can take up more space and time without being rejected by society. This fear feels huge and has guided my life's actions. What's possible if I remove this fear and stop it from guiding my decisions and actions?

In the follow-up to the confidence problem, I wrote about how finding internal strength is long-lasting and fulfilling. I recently listened to a speaker, Michelle Anne Johnson. She talked about internal strength, or what she calls personal power. She says that authenticity, purpose, and confidence drive personal power. She noted that only those who live authentically can build trust and connection with others. So, I have been putting on masks all my life, trying to fit in to whatever group I was around, not knowing that those masks created a roadblock to building trust and connection. Therefore, the masks not only did not help ensure that I would not be rejected, but they also worked against me being accepted.

My goal, and everyone's, should be to be who we are authentically; that is where our strength lies. Doing anything else is blocking us, holding us back.

But what does this mean? How do I show up tonight authentically at the soccer game instead of wearing my "soccer mom" mask?

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