Waste of Time

September 15, 2023

I failed all the women in the company and all of [the people who work in] corporate because I couldn't make it in their team. [Their team, meaning the Executive Team]

It is ridiculous to see how much weight and responsibility I was putting on myself. On the executive team, I was the only female and the only representative from corporate rather than operations. I thought I had to prove to the world that I could make it there so the door would open for other women and employees outside of operations. When I didn't, I felt the weight of failure fall on my shoulders. 

I often find myself in the role of a rescuer. I have a strong desire to help and support others, leading me to take on a lot of responsibility. However, this habit is unhealthy for me, and I've realized that it doesn't truly benefit others either. In the book The Power of TED, David Emerald explains that even though rescuers typically have good intentions, their actions can actually reinforce the Victim's feelings of powerlessness and resentment regarding their situation. Understanding this has made me feel guilty (again)—not only for not being able to open doors for others into executive levels but also for having potentially coddled them for years, preventing them from standing on their own. 

Now that I've had the opportunity to observe a year's worth of actions and activities at the company without my presence, I've realized that no one is significantly better or worse off than they were when I was there. This means that neither my absence nor my involvement made a substantial difference in anyone's life. While they may claim that things are different without me, day-to-day, whatever I was trying to control for them didn't truly matter.

It was important for me to recognize this reality: nothing we do has a profound impact on someone else's life. While this realization might lessen the sense of purpose for some, it can also relieve pressure for those who believe that our actions can dictate someone else's life. However, there's more. It’s also important to recognize that everything we do has ripple effects that can impact others. The gap between what I believed I could do for others and what I could actually achieve stems from the realization that every individual is capable, resourceful, and motivated to make their own decisions. My actions can create ripples that others may choose to ignore or embrace; ultimately, that decision is up to them.

My efforts to foster diversity and inclusion within the organization may be overlooked or viewed as empowering. Ultimately, it is not my responsibility to determine how people respond to these efforts. Similarly, my choice to leave could be defeating, disregarded, or interpreted as motivation for others in the company to step up. Once again, I do not get to control how this will affect anyone else.

I read a lot about leading authentically, embracing your journey, and focusing on what truly matters to you. Not acting solely for the sake of others, but empowering yourself by following your desires and passions and trusting your inner voice—your greatest guide on the path to fulfillment. One leader recently wrote that when she started sharing the story she wanted to tell, rather than the one she believed others wanted to hear, people finally began to listen. Why are people drawn to the authentic stories of others? I don't know yet, but I believe telling any other story with the intent of changing someone else's life is a waste of time.

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