That's an Eye Roll

September 15, 2023 - Journal to the Self (Parts work)

This should never be published :)

Me - Can we talk?

A - Sure.

Me - What will happen if you aren't in charge of my time?

A - ? Not successful. Worthless.

Me - Are you in charge of purposeful time or just productive?

A - Purposeful

Me - What does that look like?

A - Using time for meaning. Not wasted.

Me - What is wasted?

A - No purpose, no result

Me - Can we focus more time on purpose and less on results for now?

A - Sure

Me - What do you need?

A - Results :)

Me - What does that look like?

A - Something to show.

Me - does a journal and a story count? does making change count?

A - Yes! Making change definitely counts.

Me - What if it takes a long time?

A - how do we know we are making progress?

Me - trust in the process?

A - Hard to trust.

Me - Why hard to trust?

Me - I know I have it in me to be great. give me time to be the goo. It could be fun.

A - How will that work with Stanford?

Me - Stanford's about the journey, meet the people. Enjoy learning. Assignments will get done if you have fun with them.

A - Not the people person.

Me - Can you let the people person part take over when asked?

A - urg!

Me - What could go wrong by letting the people person in?

A - Not a lot of experience, might fail.

Me - So. I'm learning. We can make him better, stronger.

A - hm, urg, fine.

Me - Not sure you are all in. What do you need?

A - a new organizer would make it fun. Then I could let him do whatever.

Me - seriously? 

A - Organizer?

Me - I'll look (w/ clenched jaw) 

A - paper organizer please.

Me - : / (That's an eye roll)

A - Don't want people person in charge all the time.

Me - ok

Me - What will the organizer organize?

A - Time. Goals. LT results.

Me - K. 

This is the beginning of the discovery of my parts. Insanity? Maybe. Helpful. Yes. Albert Einstein is often quoted as saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting different results." I've never talked to myself in such a formal manner so this is definitely not that. Therefore, I am not insane.

Change is hard. Some people believe that change is hard because other people have issues changing. I found from this work that part of me wanted to change, and part didn't. I am learning that we all have parts like this that don't always agree with each other, and we seldom stop to listen to them. Listening gave me an opening to do something different without the normal resistance that I would have felt had I not had this dialogue. Relieving the resistance allowed me to break away from old habits that had me proving my worth through productivity. It didn't happen immediately. As I've said before, I still get caught in the habit, but I can see the habit. I'm aware of it and can change how I act. Before all of this, there was just habit, stress, and frustration.

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