Productivity vs Presence

11/2/23

Always feel obligated to someone else. Must get that stuff done first. It is more important.

I was reading quite a few pages of my journals today when I ran across this line. It stuck out like a sore thumb. I've been working on another experiment. This time, I'm testing why I have to prove my worth to others. I found that I feel my value comes from showing others what I can do, what I can produce, and what I can create. I realized this when I put together a newsletter about what I had accomplished for the month of March and sent it out to my sister, my sister-in-law, and a friend. These were the only people who had subscribed. (Thank you, by the way!) I also talked about it with many more people that week. Looking back later, I realized I was saying "Hey! Look what I did!" Like a 3-year-old coming home from preschool with her crayon drawings.

So, the experiment was to stop being productive for a week. Block out my calendar in a way that creates free time to sit and decide on what I want to do, not what I think I should do. That week was great! I even came to the conclusion that my value comes from being present with others, not from producing something to show off to others. Then the following Monday and Tuesday hit hard. I was in what has been described to me as the dragon's gap of the S curve. Meaning, I left my current learning curve and jumped onto a new track, only to find that I had no idea how to maneuver on that track. None of my old productivity skills worked. I had a choice: jump back down to my old track or stay and learn on this new track.

Well, I didn't fall all the way back, and the week did get easier. By Friday, I started to get curious about how I can use productivity as a skill and not let it take over my life. That is when I ran across the quote above, feeling obligated to someone else and to prove something to someone else. This is not a place I want to go back to.

So, what can I do to stay on this new track? I've removed all the tasks that I was doing because I thought I needed to do something. I've adjusted my calendar so that it only schedules an hour of tasks before giving me an hour of free time. I'm not sure if this will keep me moving forward on this new learning curve, but I do believe it's not taking me back to my old one. I want to learn how to balance productivity with being present to what is in front of me, around me, and available to me.