Parts of me

September 5, 2023

In my journal, I created a spider graph of all the parts of myself that I identify with. Here is the list:

Ideal Parent

Type A

Armored

Humble or "less than"

Master Governor

Anxious of future

Geez! Really? Wow. How do I start digesting this list?

First, I have the perfect me that I show to everyone outside. These parts are represented by the descriptions "Ideal Parent" and "Type A." Then, I have the side that can't keep up with being perfect, so I hide those parts. These include "Armored," "Humble or 'less than,'" and "Master Governor." The Master Governor comes from the book Immunity to Change. The theory is that you resist change because your Master Governor will not let you go there. It could be painful and scary to make the change. It's kinda like a gatekeeper; it's there to protect you. Lastly, I have the part that can't process the insanity inside when I only show the outside part. This is the "Anxious of future" part. No kidding, it's anxious. There is not much here to be joyful about.

I wrote about the anxiety. I said that it creates a cloud today based on fear of tomorrow. I just finished the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. In this, he separates the mind from the Being. The Being is who we really are. The mind is who we think we are. He explains that the mind constantly thinks about the past and the future. It finds problems that it wants to solve but never does. It just ruminates, never getting to a solution. That was the cloud that I was writing about. I was constantly living in a cloud. It constrained me. It wouldn't let me be happy. Productive, yes, which felt happy in the moment. Until the next problem arose that I would think about. Now that I'm writing this, I feel the cloud has finally lifted. It's not gone. It's easily called back. But I can see it now when it shows up. Seeing it and being aware of it is a large part of breaking out of it.

I also feel that I have partially separated from these other parts of me. Ideal Parent: I'm less afraid of what others will think and less afraid to mess up. I'm okay playing around with my kids and acting foolish around them sometimes. This was hardly ever the case before.

The armored part shows up now and then, but not all the time. I notice her when I'm afraid of being judged. I can generally roll my eyes, move on, and not let her get in the way of what I want to focus on.

The humble or "less than" part is quieter, too. This part existed in a scarcity mindset. I had to be thankful for what I had, or it could be taken away. She lived on the motto that others have less, which could be me if I'm not grateful. This rarely shows up now. The part that feels less than others is like the armored part. She's still there, but I can see her. And when I see her, she isn't as powerful over my actions.

Up until October of 2024, I struggled with my type A. I set goals, created a schedule, and stressed when I wasn't moving forward as quickly as planned. I've been able to set her aside for a few weeks now, maybe months by the time this is published (fingers crossed). I have a hard time looking at the description I wrote about Type A and not believing it is me... I'm still successful, independent, and driven, but I achieve it differently now—this blog resulted from loosening my grip on my old Type A ways and embracing a new approach.

Productivity used to mean completing a task and proving that I accomplished something worthwhile. However, the fact that I'm writing this proves I'm still looking for the time I spend reviewing this old journal entry and writing this blog to be worthwhile. Here’s the key difference: I care that it’s worthwhile for me, not for anyone else. That has been a huge shift in my thinking lately.

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