I have a confidence problem

September 26, 2023

I used to have to protect myself from people that judged me all the time. They are not here.

I have a confidence problem—some would call it imposter syndrome. I’ve struggled with this my entire life, not just in work settings. For instance, I once walked into a flower shop and felt that the women working there couldn't understand why I was shopping there; they knew I didn’t belong. I’ve also gotten out of my car in a grocery store parking lot and apologized to someone simply for getting out near them, feeling like I was in their way.

This has been a persistent issue that I’ve addressed from various angles. However, nothing seems to create a lasting change; my mindset about feeling less than others remains the same. That is until I started a new class at Stanford called "Building Power to Lead."

In the first week of class, we were asked to do something that would help us stand out. I chose to wear a professional blazer every day since that isn't my typical day-to-day attire. I’m starting my own coaching and consulting business from home; I do own blazers but rarely wear them. By dressing in a blazer daily, even while attending my kids’ volleyball, basketball, and soccer games, I found myself presenting more professionally than those around me. As I walked into my first sporting event early Saturday morning, most mothers wore sweatshirts and yoga pants. I found myself thinking that they would think I think I’m better than them. Wait, what? I think they will think that I think that I'm better than them. Another way to say this, more succinctly, is that this has to be all in my head. 

Let’s break down that thought, starting from the end: "I think I'm better than them," which is why I'm wearing a blazer to a volleyball game. Okay, do people try to show they are superior by the clothes they wear? Sure, just look at any red-carpet event where your attire reflects your perceived importance. I can see how wearing a blazer might convey a statement about my self-worth. And since I don't feel important attending a volleyball game, my thoughts are misaligned with my actions. Hence, I feel uncomfortable. That brings up a key question, why don't I feel important?

I am important in many ways to my daughter, who is playing the game, not just because I am there to support her. So, from her point of view, my importance and clothes should appear congruent. Great, why can't that be my point of view? To find out, let’s examine the next part of my troubling thought: "They will think..." The dreaded “they.” I’m trying to view myself through “their” eyes. And to them, I’m not important. That is true; I don’t know 98% of them and likely won’t see 75% ever again. Why does their opinion matter to me? Because I want to be seen as kind, respectful, and considerate.

You know the saying, "It's not what you say or what you do; it's how you make them feel." Ah! If I am dressed more professionally than others, that may make them feel bad; if I make them feel bad, it is very inconsiderate of me. I don’t want others to feel inferior, and it’s possible my dressing more formally could lead to that.

Well, that explains the confidence problem...

It's not about confidence.

It comes down to a fear that if I project confidence, I might inadvertently hurt someone else's feelings, and somehow, I am responsible for their reactions. As kids and young adults, do we all learn that we are responsible for other's actions, or was it just me? I had a horrible boyfriend when I was 15-16 years old. He mentally and physically abused me, and what I learned from that relationship was that I was responsible for his actions. I learned this from him, from my manager at work, and also from a counselor. I apparently still hold a piece of this belief today. In "A Waste of Time," I wrote about how I believed that my actions had significant effects on others until I stepped back and saw how they didn't.

I want to unlearn this. How can I prove this belief wrong? In the book "Immunity to Change," authors Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey explain the process by which we can unlearn deep-seated beliefs. They use experimentation to test beliefs that help you prove to yourself that they might be wrong. Although I believe I have done this exercise around confidence before, I'm curious if something new will appear this time.

The image attached is the immunity to change map that I created. I will test a few actions from this map over the next few weeks and report back. 

Actions to test:

1. I will take my time when I feel the need to rush.

2. I will take up physical space when I feel the need to make myself small.

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