How do I know what I want?

July 11, 2023

I have spent my career hanging onto their car, begging to be let in. "Just let me hold on!"

To stay in my comfort zone.

To keep ahold of something I thought I couldn't lose.

I'm scared. Going to school is scary. Starting new is scary. Hoping it works out is scary.

I struggled to understand what I would do and who I would be if I weren't my company's CFO. I couldn't figure out what I wanted in those first few days of separating from my company. Everything was tied back to the company—everything I cared about, everything I was working on, and everyone I knew. What could something else possibly look like? Where do I even start to look?

The metaphor for the car came up in a conversation I was having with one of my executive coaches. I wanted to be in the car of whoever was driving my company. I wanted them to accept me and take me with them on the company journey. I was scared of what could happen if not in their car. My life depended on what they were doing and if they were including me. Now, without them, I was sitting on the curb. Now what? What do I want? All I want is to be in their car. Without that, I have no direction.

July 14, 2023

Stomach is stressed. Balled up this morning more than the rest of the week. Why?

All I feel is loss. Why do I feel this so strongly today?

I'm pulling back into myself. Putting on the armor, building up the wall. Why now?

Even though I had declined the demotion and handed in my resignation, I still had three weeks left to work for my company when I wrote this. I was sitting at home, starting to make a list of the people I wanted to talk to before I left. I asked myself, "Why would I be putting on my armor now?" It's funny, I couldn't see it then, but I do now. I was getting out of these people's cars, leaving on my own free will. I thought that meant I needed to suppress my emotions, show only strength and determination, and hide everything else going on inside me so that I looked like I knew what I was doing.

I have to be strong.

I have to be positive.

I have to push everything else down.

How could I expect the person I was showing up as at this time to know what I wanted to do? I wasn't listening to the person that held the answer. I was creating a wall and putting on armor to protect that person, only to keep leaving her alone, unheard, and unhappy. How do I know what I want? I needed to start listening.

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